A Dark Intuition

Intuition has been defined as a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning. As an INFJ, my dominant introverted intuition (Ni) often gives me information subconsciously, which feels like it comes from nowhere. The reason it feels that way is that it is perceived subconsciously, which while it may be strange and confusing to others, makes perfect sense to me.

I’ve had a many moments in my life where I’ve gotten a feeling (sort of a spidey sense) about something, then that something happens. It has happened plenty of times and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to trust it. I’m sure you’re thinking along the lines of “seeing the future”, but it’s not like that at all. In fact, rarely is it a clear picture. I’m not given “what”.  I’m given “something”. In other words, it’s very abstract and it’s based on patterns, but it’s still a bit inexplicable. It’s usually future oriented too, unlike hindsight which is past oriented.

A few times though, my intuition has gotten real, if not dark. One occurrence was right before my friend was diagnosed with cancer, then again right before my son was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and once again when I envisioned a friend couple divorcing with no conscious knowledge of any problems in their relationship. I just knew.

For the sake of a lengthy post and a lot of repetitive information, I’ll just talk about the time leading up to my son’s diagnosis of a malignant brain tumor.

I Just Knew

It was early February 2009. I knew something was coming. I didn’t know what, but I just knew and I knew it had something to do with my second son. It hit me as I stood in the “hallway” of our small apartment. I got a sickening feeling in my stomach from it. It was with me for a moment. It was as real as anything, but it wasn’t clear. It was real though. Then, it was gone. The information I was given was still with me, but the feeling was gone. See, this is the thing that people don’t understand about this type of intuition. You usually don’t understand it, but it’s always real. In many cases, there’s not even an action that needs to be taken, as was the case on that day.

I remember reading about a friend’s diagnosis with cancer the following day. It saddened me deeply. I don’t know if this news provided more pieces to the pattern, but thoughts of my son having cancer were there, faintly if not sub consciously. They were there though. I felt them. Then it happened. A few days later I got the call to come home immediately, that something wasn’t right with our son. It had started and I knew. I just knew. The impact of the news was still emotionally unbearable though.

To make a long story short, our second son was diagnosed with a life threatening malignant brain tumor. Honestly, it was all so much heavier than the intuition set it up to be that I didn’t think too much about the sickening feeling I’d had less than a week before. We were just focused on the battle at that point. And now, years later, as I continue to learn more about myself, after the bloodiest part of the battle, after possible PTSD, I can revisit it and remember it better.

So, I don’t take my intuition lightly. Whenever I get these overpowering feelings that something is going to happen or someone is going to do something, I make the appropriate preparations for what I perceive, at least abstractly, is going to happen.

For more information on introverted intuition, checkout this article at Megan Malone’s INFJ Blog.