An letter to someone who, just like me, is of the heart triad, on the Enneagram.
You know people more than they know themselves.
It is easier for you to see their worth, than it is to see your own.
You know other people more than you, truly, know yourself.
You don’t think there’s anyone that can truly know who you are.
People have called you passive aggressive, superficial, and fake. But, that’s not you. That’s not who you are. You have infinite potential. You sense it, but you do not know it. Though you sense it, you feel this inner feeling of emptiness even still. Also, you don’t really know what it is you want.
You identify with things of your external, such as your “accomplishments,” or what people know you as: (I.e. labels. Am I the “funny” person? Am I the “smart” person?) This is a testament of an inner emptiness you feel. You sense your potential and you have deep feelings. You know you have a big purpose. They are deep feelings, but how deep they lead or where they lead, you do not know. You are weighed down by your infinite potential. You feel heavy with it. I wish you truly knew what it is you are so heavy with.
Praise, and being admired for your labels is not what you long for. It’s not what fills your void you perceive that you have, at least. You may already have realized this by now. You find it difficult at times, to identify the feelings you have. So you like a lot of time alone.
One of the genuine longings of your heart, is for someone to call you “theirs” simply because they like you for you. You don’t know this. It’s partly because you do not know who “you” are, yet, apart from those things. You think those “things” are a part of your identity. They are not. You think when people love you, they are just looking at those things. You tend to think people that show interest in you are just using you for some kind of help, or gain (whether that be material [such as acts of service], or emotional help). You have genuinely been used before, and I hate that, because it’s almost as if that person was confirming your own insecurities and false ideas you have about yourself, to you. Those being, that you’re only loveable for what you bring to the table, and what you give. Some of those things, being, emotional help, and acts of service.
You’re prone to projection. You see parts of yourself in everyone you meet, so when you feel detachment from yourself, you feel detached from them. If you have a weird relationship with the self, you have a weird relationship with them. As there is some disconnect between the mind and the heart, and knowing who you are, it is hard for you to imagine someone else being able to love you. How can you imagine they love “you?” Who is this “you” that they speak of? It’s hard for you to imagine being loved apart from what you are known for externally (labels). You don’t know who you are, because you think who you are is attached to those external things. And, partly, because you’ve been treated as such.
You think that means someone someday won’t be able to truly love you, (for you.)
What if you weren’t those things?
What if you don’t become who you want to be?
What if you never accomplish your dreams?
What if you don’t become as interesting to others in the outside world, as you feel on the inside? You’ll feel like you were lying to yourself all along, that your feelings about your importance and self-worth meant nothing, and were unreal.
You find meaning in what you do, and/or in your accomplishments. You once told me you feel like no one could ever love you. I think this is because you are afraid that you aren’t going to find meaning. This is because you aren’t finding meaning in the right things. You won’t find that meaning fulfillment of yourself, in your accomplishments. Deep down you know that: that is why you are afraid.
All in all, your day to day feels meaningless, and you’re afraid that is what your life is going to turn out like. That, in a blink of an eye, life will have passed you by, and you will have never found what made you happy, or that you’ve been lying to yourself all this time about your worth. That’s why you’re afraid no one will love you. I also am afraid of these things, and, for similar reasons. This post is not about me, though.
Unconditional “like” is what you are seeking. I would say “love” but that term is overused. I prefer “unconditional like.” Open your heart. One day soon, someone may tell you: “I unconditionally like you, not for anything you are or anything you do, but because I chose you, and you are mine. I could have chosen anyone else, but I didn’t. And even if you let me down, or DO things that I don’t like, I still like you, and I’m not going to leave you. Because I like you for you.” This, here, is what love is.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to know yourself or love yourself, in order to be loved, or deserve love. But knowing and loving yourself is surely going to help you believe the person that one day says those things, and who means them. I must tell you, that even if someone does not tell you that, God tells you that. You are forever seen, and liked, by someone. Even when you haven’t felt it. And he is able to give you someone, that can love you, too.