What an ugly word! The definition of this word, “the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body”, reeks of cold, hard ground. Perhaps this is by design.
First, let me say that this blog post is not intended to undermine or convict anyone who has been divorced. In fact, just the opposite is true. I want you to walk away from this feeling encouraged, maybe even motivated, not regretful. If you start reading this and it brings you pain or regret, then please do not read it. I implore you. My goal is to love and encourage you, not hurt you.
I’ve never been divorced, so am I even qualified to write about divorce? Not from the perspective of someone who has been through it, no, but my parents divorced when I was a pre-teen and then again in my early 20s. I’ve had other family members get divorced. I’ve had close friends get divorced. I’ve been right in the middle of a few divorces, so I’ve seen it from many angles and I’ve felt it deeply, as a child and as an adult. As an empath, I’ve felt the pain, the struggle, the feeling like there is no tomorrow, and the feeling of being enslaved in an infinite prison. So, as I see it, yes I am qualified to give my perspective on divorce.
I’ve seen couples where one person saw a new future and the other saw a new, painful hell. How hard it must be! I liken these situations, for the one party, to losing a loved one, perhaps to death. They see no tomorrow! The person they once loved is different or gone. Does it matter why they feel this way? Why should it matter? The fact is someone is hurting. Must we really sift through a series of reasons in order to determine whether or not we are going to love this person and help this person? I catch myself doing this “sift dance”. “Oh, well if he or she had done [x] or had not done [y] or didn’t constantly do [z], then he or she wouldn’t be in this situation!” IT DOESN’T MATTER! Someone is hurting. Help them! Love them! Put yourself, your life, your ideals, your feelings, your past, anything you love, in harm’s way for another soul! Put yourself out there. IS THIS NOT LIVING!? IS THIS NOT LOVING!? If not, then what is!? Are we on this wretched rock for less than one hundred years to simply judge one another, then die?
I’ve gotten emotional writing this. I honestly didn’t see that coming, but here we are. Perhaps divorce has affected me more than I’ve realized, which is probably why I felt like I needed to write this in the first place. I honestly don’t know.
Are we on this wretched rock for less than one hundred years to simply judge one another, then die?
Divorce is a reality because disagreements are a reality because selfishness is a reality because perspectives are a reality. Life continues and the pieces of the puzzle must be found and we must continue to solve the puzzle. The other option is ugly and I cannot even see it or feel it because I haven’t been close enough to it to even know what it is. I know it’s ugly though.
Emotional pain can be so paralyzing! I remember what it feels like. There have actually been times in my life where I stopped and thought to myself, “I’ve forgotten what pain feels like.” I literally forgot what it was like to be in pain. Not now. Not these days, necessarily. I remember the feeling. I remember being paralyzed. I’m not currently in that emotional state. I feel fine right now, but I remember what it feels like. I don’t want to forget what that feels like, ever! I never want to forget what emotional pain feels like. At a moment’s request, I want to reach out with my heart and feel it and remember. Forgetting, for me at least, is so incredibly uncomfortable. How can I be empathetic without it!? How can I be selfless without remembering the overwhelming strength of that pain!? I cannot!
Your pain is real. Your pain is legit. If anyone questions, dismisses, or devalues the force at which your pain strikes you, then SHAME ON THEM! Ironically, this type of negative, cold behavior plays a role in many divorces. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. It is real.
Put yourself, your life, your ideals, your feelings, your past, anything you love, in harm’s way for another soul!
I encourage you to continue putting your puzzle together. You can even think of it as a mosaic if you’d like. It’s a piece of art. Continue fighting. Some days you’re going to have to fight like your life depends on it. Those days will most likely bring tears and the proverbial blood and sweat, but you’re worth fighting for, so fight for you. Other days will be easier. Use those days to reflect on your journey or parts of your journey.
Your puzzle is like a riddle for you to solve. No one else can solve it for you and you don’t need them to. The most efficient and effective way is one piece at a time. Go forth and live. Love. If the pieces fall off the table, try to pick them up as best you can. Don’t give in. Don’t give up!