Asking Her Out and Boosting Attraction

Whether you’ve been on 20 dates, or you’ve never been on a date, I feel like there could be some good tips, here for you.

I had a cousin ask me not to long ago, how women like to be asked out.  Valid question. I’ve never really seen men question or ponder “how” we like to be asked out. What some may not know, or some women may not even realize yet, is that there’s ways to be asked out, that boosts our attraction to you. It’s not really the date itself, or what you do on it, that’s most important. It’s even the way you ask her out.

I’m the kind of person, that, I am assertive, I have opinions, and I’m pretty vocal. Also, I am good at making plans. Great, even. My Te is pretty good, in that sense.

Yet, I’m not the type of person, that’s gonna steal the aux cord for the whole car ride with my friend or significant other, not letting you share with me music of your own.  (Though, I will admit, when I’ve been excited about my music, I can say I have done that before, LOL!) We all know people like this! Here’s the thing: I want you, the man, to take the lead on some things. (Especially on the first date, for me personally.) I want you to ask me questions about myself, and not just wait for me to be vocal about my likes and dislikes. And, overall, I want you to initiate things with me. It lets me know that you have a strong identity and a colorful personality: that, you actually have something to show for yourself, to me! In your taking the lead, this show of confidence shows me you could potentially have valuable things, to offer me.

I think many women will agree with me here, that it is difficult to find men, (or just people in general, for that matter) who are a balance of both of these things… Someone who is not controlling; stealing the aux cord for the whole car ride, trying to play 5 albums for you. And someone who’s not “whatever-you-wanna-do, – babe.” guy, who expects you to always pick the music, pick what restaurant you’re going to, and what movie you guys are going to see, who never actually cares about what you are doing together. To me, the latter comes across as apathetic.

Does this sound incredibly complicated??

You’re probably (definitely) wondering, by now: “how I be a balance of both, then, for women??”

Here is the number 1 best way to ask out a woman; broken down into 5 steps. You’ll hopefully pick up the main gist of what a good balance looks like as you read through.

Some notes: if you’re reading this, you’re probably [hopefully] still in the “talking/texting/friends” stage, and you have NOT already asked her out on a date, officially. So this is where we are beginning this list: Step 1. You may already be familiar with at least a few of these things.

Step 1. In the talking stage (whether texting, on the phone, or in person, whatever… it doesn’t matter in Step 1), find out from her, what her favorite movie genres, and her favorite foods are, in a non obvious way. Easy enough. Just make a mental note of those things, or better yet, WRITE IT DOWN in your iPhone notes without her knowing. But the idea is you have to ask these things of her yourself, not ask her friend, cousin, or family member. Or wait for her to tell you them on her own. You’re showing her you’re putting effort about getting to know her (it’s the little things.)

Step 2. Ask her out on a date to dinner and/or a movie (just do dinner if you think both is too much.) By the way, you should be asking her out over the phone in daylight hours, or in person, if you happen to see her somewhere. Whatever. Just don’t do it over text. This, here, is going to be a pretty basic first date: nothing crazy.

What is a GREAT way I suggest to start this phone conversation, though??

Have you been on the phone with her, yet? No? What’s the best way to get on the phone with a woman, that isn’t just calling her up, out of the blue? (People in this day and age can be uncomfortable or weirded out by that sort of thing. I.e. “Why is he calling me? We’ve never talked on the phone before?” Or, who knows, she might have phone anxiety, and needs to mentally prepare for a phone convo.)

Okay. So, you were just texting and carrying on, and you’re suddenly deciding today’s the day to make the call and ask her on the date. Close out your current texting convo. Say something like: “Hey, I have to go right now, can I call you later?” If she says yes, you’re one step closer to asking her out. Now, pretend you’re busy. Or be busy.

Important notes:

When you give her the call, later (you don’t have to text and pre-warn her just before you make the call. You already warned her you were gonna call later, when you were texting earlier.) Here’s what you’ll do first: get logistics of the date out of the way. DO make sure you ask her out at least 3 or 4 days in advance, to the actual date. Better yet, a week in advance, in case she has to adjust some things with her busy schedule. Say to her, “What days of the week are you typically available?” or “Are you free in the next week?” If she just throws out a bunch of days, just pick one of them. Don’t ask what time she wants to do it at, be helpful, and throw out ideas “Ok, so how about WEDNESDAY. At, hmm, 6:00?” She may say “No, 7:00 works better for me.” Stick to that. “Ok, I’ll pick you up at 7:00 and we’ll go wherever we decide! Unless it works with you better to meet there?” (Definitely ask her if she’d like to meet, if you guys met online, and haven’t yet seen each other in person, so she feels safe. It’s super sketchy to immediately offer to pick her up for the first date, if you met online.)

While still here, after you already asked her out to “dinner and/or a movie” AND gotten the date & time logistics out of the way, IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY, or you forgot what her favorite foods and genres of movies are, this is the best time to ask her these.

But, the whole reason why asking way on before what her likes and dislikes were, and remembering them, is so important, is because it shows that you are thoughtful and attentive to her. It shows you serious about getting to know her. A guy asking me about myself? AND remembering all those little things I’ve told him? That is SO attractive, to me. If you didn’t really remember those things about her, and had to refer to your iPhone notes, obviously don’t tell her that. You’re not lying, you did remember in a sense, because you were thoughtful enough to write it down.

Last thing for Step 2: While still here on the phone, say: “Alright, great, sounds good/sounds like a plan! I think I remember you saying you like Mexican food, right? And, you like ____ movies? I’m going to go research some restaurants and scout out movies out that we could see, can I text in an hour what I find? Or, can I pick something and surprise you?” She’ll most likely say, “Surprise me!” (“Can I surprise you?” THIS puts a HUGE element of mystery, fun, and thoughtfulness on you, but it’s not too heavy! But you’re not forcing a surprise on her, either, you’re giving her the option.) If she doesn’t want the surprise, I don’t know… I suppose just send her the text later, what you find. Maybe she has allergies, or she’s vegetarian, and needs to hear the place you come up with. But if she has allergies or dietary preferences she’ll probably tell you right about now, though, or chances are, depending on how much you’ve talked, you may already know them.

This is obvious, but here’s what you definitely DO NOT say, when asking a woman out:

What restaurant do you want to go to?” or “What movies are playing right now? “What theater should we go to?” “What all is closest to you?” (You should already know the town or basic area around where she lives already, and, you’re going to research the restaurants and theaters on your own.) These questions are making her do the work. She shouldn’t have to lift a finger. She shouldn’t be surfing the web, logging onto the movie theater websites, finding out what’s out, what the best rated restaurants are in the area, bla bla. (Unless if she absolutely INSISTS on this, but, it’s not likely a thing she’ll do.) Remember, if you were the one to ask her out, you signed up to do all of the work and planning, for this date. If you don’t do all the work, when *you* were the one that initiated this date, it’s going to make it seem like you are a half-asser (for lack of better term. Not my favorite language.)

Step 3. Now that you know what she likes from Step 1, and, in Step 2, you successfully asked her out and she said yes, now you will go google and research what’s playing right now based off what she’s told you she likes, and restaurants that are in the area, based off of her favorite foods.

EXAMPLE!! She said she likes Disney and Pixar movies, and fantasy movies! And Vietnamese, and Mexican, are her fave foods. You’ve got to research what movie theaters are closest to her, or halfway between where you live and she lives. In the same way, research Vietnamese and Mexican restaurants, that are closest to you guys. When you find the perfect theater, see if it’s playing anything in the genre she likes. If it’s not, find another theater.

Step 4: So now, you should have a mental note of about 2 or 3 movies you think she’s going to like, and 2 or 3 restaurants you think she’ll like, based off of what you know she likes. Now, in your head, narrow down the choices of movies and restaurants you guys could do, to 1 movie, and 1 restaurant, that you think that she would BEST like! (Still keeping the other options in the back of your head, just in case.)

Step 5: Shoot her the text.

 Concerning the movie: “Hey, I was looking at movies today, and I found __blank__ movie, at _blank_. Is this okay?”

If she says “I saw that already! But do you still want to see it?” or somehow says no,

Give her option 2. “How about _this_ one?” (You probably won’t need option 3, most girls aren’t going to  be picky, they just want to spend time with you.)

Concerning the restaurant: “I thought this _blank_ Vietnamese restaurant looked like a good place. Is place alright?” If she has allergies/dietary preferences, and she’s never been to the restaurant, send her a link to the menu. Please do that!! It’s so helpful and sweet!! “Also, here is the menu from the site, if you needed to look at it ahead of time. Looks like they have a lot of options.”

Chances are she’s not gonna shoot down this choice, but still, you have option 2 or 3 you can bring up if needed.

Note about Step 5:

If SHE, on her own, suggests a movie, and/or a restaurant, decisively go with that one. Don’t insist on your own movie and restaurant selections. (Though, this is probably obvious!) She still appreciated your effort.

When you guys are on a movie date? Here’s a bonus tip: buy her favorite candy, and hide it in your coat, and surprise her with it when you’re in the movie.

If there is a second date, do everything similarly to this one, but you don’t have to call her, in order to ask her out. You can just text it if you want. The purpose of calling was just to show effort. But still plan the whole thing, like you did the last one.

This time, you can just do coffee and a movie, if you just did dinner, on your first date. Second, or third date, you should slightly creative in your outing choice. Do something fun like Christmas Candy-lane at Hershey Park, or even, do something stupid and memorable (and cheap) like bird-watching, if she’s never done that before. Check out a book about bird watching, from the library. Ask your dad to borrow his binoculars, if you don’t have a pair. Perhaps, you guys have an inside joke and you send memes about birds frequently, or both of your favorite things are dancing-bird videos. Who knows? It could actually be a hobby you guys are creating, together, that you could do together in the future, (if it leads to such!) It all just started with someone sending a meme about birds! 😉 Google “unique date ideas” if you can’t think of anything super creative like this off the top of your head.

Another bonus tip: 5 hours before the date (any date, first, second, fourth….) text her “Hey! Are we still on for tonight?” Checking in is a great way to let her know you’re preparing, thinking about her, and that you’re excited for your time tonight. She’ll like to hear from you: and it lets her know you’re not going to stand her up, or something.
However you choose to extrapolate all of this: it’s really not complicated, you are simply just – putting in effort, asking her out, researching the things you think she’ll like based off of her likes and dislikes, and planning the first date, accordingly. (And, of course being considerate asking if that plan works for her too.) You’re putting in the effort and planning the date, but, you’re not controlling it. That’s the difference.
When you guys are both single and are still in this going-on-dates stage, you should be the one asking her out, and not waiting around for her to, for at least the first few dates. As a rule of thumb, you should never be waiting around for someone to ask you out. You gotta “take the bull by the horns” as they say. If she asks you on a date after the first few dates you guys went on, or if, even, she is the one that asked you out on the FIRST date, cool! All this here is, is simply a guide, on how to ask a woman out. These tips apply, if you, the man, are the one asking her out. If she asked you out, that’s cool.
As time goes on, or if you get into a relationship, whatever you do, is whatever you do. But, you should still plan dates and take her on them, sometimes, even if you guys are together! She should still get the opportunity to feel pampered: like she doesn’t have to lift a finger, just like she didn’t have to before.
Just remember, for THESE particular outings, you’re signing up to do all of the brain work, and planning.