Black Hole

When I withdraw to my room, I often feel like they (my family, friends, whomever) want me to come out. So, I sit there and I think, “How long can I stay here?” The longer I stay here, the less time I have to be somewhere else. It’s a safe place and a sad place, but also a happy place. Go figure. Usually if I’m not withdrawn to my room, it’s because I feel guilty about the very idea of being withdrawn.

People have asked me what I think about when I’m alone. I think about people. I think about projects I’m working on or projects I want to start (one at a time please). I think about the world and all the sadness in it and how I could possibly make a grand-scale, positive impact. It feels overwhelming, but honestly I see myself making a major impact and I even have a pretty good idea of how. I just don’t know if I can. It’s not something I wish to share, but it’s on my mind. Perhaps it’s even in motion already. Who knows.

I need to meditate more. I need to pray more. When I’m alone, I need to stop thinking. My mind rarely stops thinking though. Trying to make a busy mind stop thinking is like that scene in one of the Spider-Man movies when he’s trying to stop that train and his suit literally starts ripping at the seams. The thoughts are the train and Spider-Man’s suit is my mind. It all just starts ripping apart.

Sometimes, withdrawal is just a way to deal with anxiety. It involves finding a quiet place where I can just breathe for a moment. I’ll just sit there or lie down until the feeling of nausea goes away. In those moments, there isn’t as much productive or creative thinking going on as much as there is just fear. Fear that everything will spiral out of this tightly wound knot that I carry with me and inside me everyday. That’s the fear. That’s one of my fears.

Quiet places are nice. Having no distractions is beautiful. Being able to take five minutes to do something that I need or want to do is wonderful. So while my people probably see this withdrawal as some sort of black hole, I just see it as a moment in time where I get my energy back, so I can be the person I need to be for those who need me to be that person.