Dissipating Stranger

It had been a while since I looked myself in the mirror and not saw an unworthy, broken, stranger looking back at me.

Between the time I looked in the mirror and felt good until the time the stranger began fading from the mirror…

I lost a bunch of weight

Gained a bunch of weight back

Lost even more weight than the first time I lost a bunch of weight

Discovered cycling

Won two fantasy football championships

Lost a fantasy football championship title game

Wrote countless poems about my pain and struggles

Was accused of making those poems “about someone” (FALSE, they were art and they were about me)

Grew a very large beard for the first time ever

Shaved that very large beard

Experienced more ups and downs than all of the waves in the Pacific Ocean (felt that way anyway)

Lost a few friends

Lost a few potential friends

Met some of the most beautiful people I could ever imagine (and friended them)

Experienced a constant influx of information from my subconscious than I ever have (intuition)

Heard one of the most amazing, chilling stories I’ve ever heard in my life (it changed me and gave me a new perspective) and I grew spiritually.

… among other things …

It’s still a struggle. The struggle is not with a friend. The struggle is not with an enemy or some random stranger. The struggle is with me. The struggle is within. Isn’t that how it is for a lot of us, a lot of the time? Sure, people do things that affect us, but aren’t we ultimately fighting with ourselves most of the time? I don’t know. It’s something to think about.

I want to look in the mirror and feel like I’m actually making a difference in someone’s life, not for me, but for them. Instead, I’m left to wrestle with myself and how I haven’t done enough spiritually and in servanthood, and how I want to be a person who could truly give everything away and not need anything other than love itself.

It can be overwhelming. I received a tweet from my good friend Chloe recently that read, “Too many things are happening for even a big heart to hold.” So profound. So simple. So true.

I think it’s probably time to slow down, pray more, meditate more (which, more than nothing would be something), and focus more on others.

So, I know Michael Jackson started with the man in the mirror, but my goal is to start AND finish with the man in the mirror, to fight harder, to see a familiar face in that mirror, and to see him smiling back at me.