Until Then

I recently came to the conclusion that I will always be sad. I’ll always be sad because the things that I want to be fixed will never be fixed. In the motion picture “The Matrix”, Agent Smith equated humanity to a virus. I can’t say that I always disagree, especially when I’m deep in my mind. Humanity doesn’t make me sad necessarily, but the burdens humanity has put in place might.

So what makes me sad? A lot of things make me sad, but if I had to sum it all up in one word, that word would be… Injustice. Oddly enough I believe in a God who claims to be fully “just”, however I live in a world where injustice runs rampant. Does this mean I don’t believe in God? No. Does it mean that the conservative, right-wing flavor of Christianity that I grew up around doesn’t jive with me anymore? Probably.

Anyway, I’m off topic. Back to injustice. I’m on the verge of really finding the words to write about this injustice I keep referring to. You see, I have to go way back in time to begin talking about it, but honestly I haven’t been able to finish the puzzle in a way that I can even present it to you. I can’t find all the words. I have to find all the words in order to present it to you, or I would in fact be serving you with an injustice of my own.

I thought a lot about suicide on my walk earlier. I thought about drug overdose and death. I wondered if I would commit suicide one day and if so when would that be. I thought about the fallout of it. I also thought about the peace of it. It didn’t scare me. I didn’t cringe or get anxiety. I had tears, but tears aren’t a bad thing. Before you panic, I’m not about to commit suicide, but I do think about it a lot.

I don’t think suicide is some final sin that sends you straight to hell. I don’t even know if I believe in the same hell I was threatened with as a child. I just don’t see how that could be “just” and God claims to be “just”.

I also thought it would be cool to do a photo shoot and really capture someone’s sadness. I was just looking at a friend’s photography site yesterday and my thoughts today made me wonder if anyone has ever asked her to capture their sadness. Like, really capture the emotion. I think it could be an epic photo shoot. Anyway, just a thought.

I hope that someday soon I can find the words and finish the puzzle so that I can present my whole view of injustice and why it saddens me so deeply. Until then, I’ll keep searching. I’ll keep seeking. I’ll keep discovering things about myself. Things inside me. I’ll keep trying to find ways to cope with something that looms so large and feel so overwhelmingly unstoppable. Until then, I’ll keep staring out the window praying for a miracle.